Parenting on holiday

We are back from three weeks touring the South Island. We had a fantastic time but its nice to be home. Our 100sqm house seems spacious and peaceful after living out of a car and two small tents for three weeks and sharing bathrooms and kitchens with a whole lot of strangers.

I found parenting on holiday a challenge. The usual consequences for inconsiderate behaviour were not applicable. I think we did reasonably well at finding ways to give each other space and time alone to refresh: Josiah would often disappear to the camp TV room (I think he viewed as much TV on this holiday as he did in the entire previous year), Tessa would go for a wander around the campground and Geoff and I would read our books. A couple of times, Geoff and Josiah went climbing while Tessa and I stayed behind for a rest. But it was a busy holiday - lots of climbing and sightseeing and socialising. In hindsight, we didn't always get as much down time as we needed. Tessa lost it a couple of times. That's challenging enough to handle at home where we can all go off to different rooms for a while then deal with the problem after a break.

I think what happens when Tessa loses it is a difference in perception. On the holiday, for example, there were days when we went climbing or sightseeing when Tessa would rather have been catching up with friends or relaxing back at the campsite. When we made the decisions about how to spend each day, I considered how the previous days had been spent and how the following days would be spent: my perception was that over a period of days we were balancing the interests of the four of us (and sometimes also the interests of others). Tessa, on the other hand, saw each day, each event, in isolation. Her perception on any day when we didn't do what she wanted to do was that her preferences were being ignored. However unreasonable that seemed when viewed from a wider perspective, Tessa's feeling of not being heard in that moment was genuine.

One thing that helped a little was when, about half way through the holiday, I wrote an itinerary, slotting in our commitments and listing the possibilities for how we could spend each day. I think it helped Tessa to see that although, for example, there would be more days bouldering at Spittle Hill than she wanted, there were other activities to look forward to.

As Tessa feels unheard, I'm determined next time she is displeased to listen carefully to her objections, without interrupting, attempting to identify her points and truly consider them. The other thing I need to do is think of ways to help Tessa work on her self control, and on her ability to tolerate delayed gratification so that she can comfortably go along with the choices of others knowing that she will get to choose on other occasions.